I still have yet to find out who my mother’s biological mother was. Also, who my father’s biological parents were, how many siblings he has and if they are living or deceased.
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
Category: Uncategorized
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April 30th 2026
I find myself filled with gratitude. I no longer feel anger towards my mother. I found a peace that seemed so out of reach a year ago, heck, even a few months ago. I have realized that the anger I have felt was misplaced grief. It was sadness, depression, overwhelm and disappointment. The mother I thought I knew turned out to be a stranger. The mother I thought I could trust, wasn’t real at all. She was a master at manipulating me and I trusted her blindly. She was my mother. Why would she lie?
I have spent the last two years learning the truth and learning how to accept that she will not change. She will not take accountability for her actions nor will she apologize for the devestation that she caused.
I am working on myself, to be the best person, friend, mother and wife I can be. I am doing this for myself and for my family. I deserve to be the best version of myself. I will never stop growing or changing or learning.
And if my children ever come to me and tell me that something I did hurt them, I will apologize and do what I can to make things right.
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
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The Wound
Sit down
Stand up
Speak up
SHUT UP
Don’t worry
Don’t be afraid
I am the monster
And I’m always there
Sit down
Stand up
Why are you shrinking
Don’t you wanna be seen
Hide
NO ONE CARES
I AM YOUR VOICE
No need to speak
I am all you need
Sit down
Stand up
Don’t you know that you are enough
But only for me
Stay small
I need you to need me
I am nothing without you
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Healing From the Mess podcast
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Set Me Free
FUCK YOU
for making me feel unworthy
FUCK YOU
for taking credit for my successes
FUCK YOU
for blaming him for my failures
FUCK YOU
for convincing me that love needs to be earned
FUCK YOU
for lying
FUCK YOU
for trying to keep me small, easy to digest
FUCK YOU
for controlling my life
making me dependent on you,
afraid to leave the safety net
for criticizing every choice I made
So, this is me
setting myself free
and saying goodbye to
the woman who was too scared
to live
I’m choosing life
to live
to freely be myself
And to do that,
I say goodbye to you
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
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The Guilt
I let you go
yet
I wait for you to come back
I walk away
yet
I turn around to see if you
notice my absence
I move on
yet
I want you to love me
And I know
it’s not my fault
And I can’t fix this
I just wanted to be loved
by the woman who birthed me
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
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Inherited Rage
you taught me
to be afraid of everything
to trust no one
to question myself
And now
I trust me
I surround myself with people
who love me
I don’t let fear hold me down
I have freed myself
from the chaos
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
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Carpe Diem
I choose life
I choose to live
Experience
Enjoy
Fail
Try again
Fall in love with myself
Fall in love with life
with living
Stuff can’t fill the void in your chest
Chaos will ensue
Free your space
Free your mind
You are free to be yourself
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
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Memories
I still remember the fights. She always felt entitled. She never would verbalize what she wanted but would get angry when someone else did what she wanted to do. It was very childish behavior.
Example: Dad took me shopping for my first homecoming dress. I was anxious and upset the entire time. I knew she was going to be angry. I did not know how to verbalize this at the time. After dress shopping, my dad, his girlfriend and I, went out to lunch. I felt so anxious that I could barely eat. I told Dad that mother would be angry. When Mother came to pick me up from Dad’s house, I told her that I had gone dress shopping with him and picked out a dress. She exited her vehicle, walked up to the front door, and screamed at Dad. Mother took me dress shopping that weekend and I picked one out. I didn’t wear that dress to homecoming, instead I wore the one I had picked out with Dad. I honestly do not recall why. Mother may have returned that dress and kept the money for herself. I do not recall ever seeing that dress again.I may not remember being in that car for over seven hours, but I do remember sitting on the stairs, looking out the front door and seeing her be taken away in a police car. I was eight years old. I remember my dad saying that she was being taken to a hospital because she was ‘sick’, that was always the term he would use to describe her mental state. How would you explain to an eight-year-old that their mother was mentally unstable, delusional, and was a danger to herself and to them?
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
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Moving away
On June 20th, 1996, it was ordered by the court that C would not engage in any extended driving with her minor children in a vehicle operated by her.
When did we go to Great Wolf Lodge? It was after H was in our lives. I think they were living in the farmhouse.
After the divorce in 1996, P purchased a house for C that was five minutes away from where he and the minors resided.
As of December 22nd, 1998, C was still living at the house on Byrn Rd.As of February 3rd, 1999, C & H moved into the house on Jord Rd.
October 23rd, 1999, P moved into the house on Dilly Dr.The commute between the parents went from thirty minutes to forty-five minutes by use of the highway.
C was angry about the added fifteen minutes of commute time. Even though she was the one who initially moved thirty minutes from the minor’s residence, she was angry about P moving the minor children fifteen minutes further away from her new place of residence.
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
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I have a lot of questions…
How do I put this into words?
How do I talk about my childhood experiences?
How do I talk about her?
My heart is in pieces today. I can’t stop the tears from falling. I hate that we were subjected to her abuse and her neglect. I hate that she was allowed to control my life. I hate that I don’t know what the truth is. I must carefully excavate the remains of my childhood memories and try to find where the truth lies. After she kidnapped my brother and I, she was still allowed to be in our lives without any supervision. She was allowed to travel with us to Traverse City. She was allowed to take us anywhere in the state without permission. I have court documents that state that she wasn’t allowed to travel with us alone. How long was that order in effect? When did that restriction end? It is safe now to explore these memories.
(It is safe to read over the documents. It is safe to know the truth. She cannot hurt us anymore).
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Healing From the Mess Podcast
Healing Out Loud 