I had a realization today. These always seem to happen as I am pacing my house, talking aloud to myself. I was recognizing the fact that I am now working in a customer service role with other co-workers. I show up to work every day. I interact with people every day. I work with money every day. And I do my job well.
Twenty years ago, that wasn’t even a possibility. I remember starting my first job in a retail setting. My first day was days after my aunt’s funeral. I pulled into the parking lot, one mile from my residence, and noticed that the face plate to my stereo was missing. I look in my center console and my driver’s license is gone, my prescription glasses and my cash is gone. That should have been my sign to quit and never look back. Instead, I went on to work there for four months. I had many days that I called in, due to my mental health. I even took five consecutive days off to try to fix my brain. A month later, I quit that job. My manger wanted me to stay; even offered me extra time off; he begged me to reconsider. I couldn’t stay. I was in a deep depression and suicidal.
I was so confused as to why this person who barely knew me wanted me to stay an employee. I didn’t see myself as someone who held any value, let alone had a reason to even exist on this Earth.
And that’s when I lost it. I stopped in the middle of my living room and just cried. I apologized to my 19-year-old self; told her how sorry I was that she ever felt that way. I wanted to hug her.
And then it hit me. I felt that way as a nineteen-year-old young woman because Mother saw me as an inconvenience, as too much, as a waste of space, as an insignificant speck of dust in her eye.
Every time that I opened up to Mother, was me trying to connect with her. It was me trying to have a close relationship with her. It was me trying to see if she could show me love, empathy and compassion. And every time I opened up to her, I was met with disappointment, disapproval and disgust.
I have zero guilt about being a no contact daughter. I tried to have a real relationship with her. She shut me down every single time and made me feel smaller than the mud on her shoe.
I matter. My feelings matter. I deserve love. I deserve to be treated with compassion. I deserved better than her.
Listen to the new episode of my podcast titled: “Your feelings are valid & You Matter”
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